Survival Meets Existential Fatigue: Notes from the Nigredo
A Reignbow RefleXtion
There’s a particular kind of exhaustion that nobody talks about. It’s not just burnout from overworking. It’s not just depression. It’s not just spiritual weariness.
It’s what happens when survival mode collides with existential fatigue. When you’re still having to meet basic human needs, still answering to rent, bills, and the body that needs food and shelter, all while your spirit has completely clocked out of the old game.
I didn’t know there was a name for this until a few years ago.
But there is.
In Reignbow Alchemy, it’s called The Spark.
In Jungian alchemy, it’s called Nigredo.
The blackening.
The death-before-rebirth stage.
The sacred void.
Where your old motivations die…
Where the coping mechanisms don’t work anymore…
Where nothing feels urgent, and yet survival still knocks at your door.
What Nigredo *The Spark* Feels Like (For Me)
It feels like standing in the middle of a burning building… but being too emotionally numb to run. Or like being underwater… but not fighting to breathe. Some days, the mind says:
“You should be doing more.”
“You should be more motivated.”
“Why aren’t you making content? Finishing that book? Getting the bag?”
And yet… There’s this knowing underneath it all:
“None of that would fill this void anyway.”
Because this isn’t about productivity.
This isn’t about procrastination.
This is the ego’s funeral.
Where Survival Instincts Clash with Soul Timeline
Here’s the crazy part:
I still need money.
I still want a home of my own.
I still want stability.
But I can’t hustle from fear anymore.
I can’t chase from lack.
I can’t drag myself back into performance mode just to soothe my nervous system.
So here I am:
Trying to honor my physical needs… without betraying my spiritual integrity.
This is the experience of survival meeting existential fatigue.
This Isn’t Depression. It’s Metamorphosis.
I used to call this self-sabotage.
I used to think I was being lazy.
I used to think I was doing life wrong.
But now I realize… I’m just in a stage that capitalism, grind culture, and even some spiritual spaces don’t have language for.
I’m not malfunctioning.
I’m dissolving.
And I’m waiting for what’s real to take form.
So How Does This End?
Honestly?
I don’t know yet.
I’m still here.
Still sitting in it.
Still watching.
Still breathing.
But I’m done pretending I have the answers just to make the discomfort prettier for public consumption.
This isn’t a breakthrough story.
It’s a transmission from the middle.
From the Nigredo.
And when the next truth comes…
I’ll meet it there.
Written and remembered by Magnetic Reign, the unTeacher.
Broadcasting frequency, not lessons.